#31: 4 Tips for Making Friction-Free Joint Decisions (Happy Birthday Kenny!)

December 15, 2022

Raise your hand...(or raise an eyebrow if you're driving!)...if you've ever found it a teensy bit difficult to make a decision WITH someone else. 😬

Making powerful, authentic, self-honoring decisions SOLO can look like a piece of cake when you compare it to working out decisions with a partner, right?

My husband Kenny and I have paid particular attention to this: What are our Decision Styles, and how can they play nicely together? (Yup, this is what you sign up for marrying a Life Coach!) 😅

Turns out everybody wins though, because not only do our joint decisions get easier every time — I also get to share my findings with YOU so you can try out all these strategies for yourself.

And since this is my husband's birthday week 🥳 I thought it all too appropriate to celebrate him, his Decision Style that is basically the exact opposite from mine, and our ongoing teamwork in this department.

Listen in for:

Two ways you can INSTANTLY reduce joint decision friction (that your partner doesn't even need to play along with)
Four tips to make the most of how you both operate and get to the end of the decision still speaking to each other
Lots of personal examples about how this can look in real life (messy, imperfect and still incredibly effective)

Enjoy!

MORE LINKS:

Belbin Team Roles: https://belbinnorthamerica.com/
The Decision Masters Membership is open for early access with BONUS COACHING! https://www.kirstenparker.com/dmp

Episode Transcript

Episode #31 Transcript

4 Tips for Making Friction-Free Joint Decisions (Happy Birthday Kenny!)

INTRO: This is the Decision Masters Podcast. I'm Kirsten Parker, the Decision Coach for Overthinkers. When you feel good about your decisions, life feels good. You get to be present in your days and excited about where you're going. I'm gonna help you build your decision mastery. So it's easy to know what you want, navigate uncertainty and handle any feelings that happen. Whether you're in the middle of some overthinking angst right now or you simply love feeling in charge of your choices, you're in the right place. Clear confident, decisions are right around the corner. Let's get into it.

KIRSTEN: Hello! This is a SPECIAL special episode because it’s coming out the week of Kenny’s FORTIETH Birthday…I just love imagining this podcast being ten years old and having this episode as a milestone marker - I think the Decision Masters Podcast just turned 6 months old LAST WEEK (whaaat?), and it’s just fun to think about someday he’ll be turning FIFTY, what’s THAT episode gonna be about??

And just as a little insider information for how we’re celebrating - it’s a doozy. If you’re listening real-time, and if all our plans which are really guesses turn out how we want, right? (uncertainty is everywhere, we plan on surprises, don’t forget!), we are currently in a city called Modena, in the Emilia-Romagna region of Italy. Kenny’s birthday was a couple days ago, and our plan is to eat the famous Michelin Star Chef Massimo Batura’s food for the actual birthday dinner because we’re staying at the hotel he runs with this wife! I CANNOT. I mean we don’t have to spend the entire episode talking about what we’re gonna eat but - we could. And frankly, I wouldn’t be sorry about it.

But planning this whole trip was a fascinating opportunity for Kirsten the Decision Scientist to observe: Oo, what happens when two people with opposite Decision Styles get together and try to make a buncha decisions.

And I know I’m not the only person on the planet married to (or flat out making decisions with) someone who doesn’t think exactly like they do ;) so today I’m going to share the 4 things that stand out to Kenny and I, when it comes to making this work.

I actually asked him “Why do you think we’re able to make decisions even though we’re basically opposites there?” so he got to weigh in!

Because the truth is, we haven’t always been able to - at least not easily. For a while, I was just frustrated at how he made decisions “incorrectly” & “worse than me” (so judgey, I know). But I’m being honest! And I want you to be honest too - if there’s friction in your joint decision making, just check: How much of it is coming from you outright assuming the way this person operates is wrong?

I had to correct that misunderstanding for myself - that there wasn’t a baseline better way to do things - and that freed me up from at least 50% of that friction.

So YAY - do that - plant that seed and take it with you into your next conversation about the vacation you’re planning, or plans for the house, or whether or not to say yes to your kids asking if they can run a waffle truck this summer. (YES that is a real decision faced by one of my real, amazing clients!! That was an easy decision for them though - obviously they said yes!)

Once you move through that initial hurdle that’s so normal - the friction born of humans being different - you can approach a decision as if you’re on the same team. EVEN if you have different views, want different things, and wanna go about making this decision in totally different ways.

Kenny is a Researcher-Stretcher.

That’s not an official term, but at some point I’m going to update the quiz on my website so you can find out what your Decision Archetype is and how to use it to your advantage, not get bogged down by common pitfalls. So - keep an eye out - it’ll be at kirstenparker.com/quiz, it may be there now! Otherwise you can take the Momentum Quiz which is also so fun.

But there’s SOME kind of Decision Archetype like Kenny. Someone who likes knowing alllll the options. Who likes taking his time - doesn’t mind stretching a decision out. Would rather know they picked the best thing, no matter how much time/work it took. And because this is his preference, it means sometimes a decision doesn’t get made at all - or gets made later - and he’s up for that because for him, that’s better than missing out on the best thing.
I, on the other hand, am more of a Completer-Energy Saver.

I want decisions to be good ones, but I reeeally want them DONE. I don’t like a lot of open decisions at one time - lots of undecided things “in process.” If there are, I don’t wanna send a ton of energy to them, I want to consider them hibernating, not like, always draining bandwidth in the background. And because this is my preference, I’m willing to choose something quickly even if that means sacrificing alternatives.

So it’s easy to see how joint decisions can get tricky right? From big stuff like house buying and Italy trips all the way down to “When are we gonna have dinner with so-n-so” or “Let’s get boots.”

BOOTS don’t actually have to be a joint decision though, right? Kenny knows a lot more about winter sports and - interestingly - trendy fashion, than I do, so I actually asked him for help on this one!

But I see a lot of decision friction come from letting things turn into joint decisions that don’t need to be. So I always encourage clients to be deliberate about this too - make sure you really WANT this to be a joint thing ‘cause if you don’t, you’ll save yourself a whole lotta bother.
SO let’s get to the 4 tips for making a decision with someone with a different Decision Style than you:
TIP #1: Decide what to appreciate

Like I said, my default was to assume my way was right and Kenny’s way was wrong and dumb. I’m paintin’ with a broad brush there but, basically.
But every decision archetype has merits and this is a GREAT opportunity to decide what you want to appreciate about your OWN style of deciding AND your partner’s.

It also helps to say this out loud. Decision-making can be like money and sex in our culture. They’re VERY important but we don’t talk directly about them. But you can! Try naming what you appreciate about your partner’s way of making decisions - I guarantee they’ll like it. Just don’t expect them to immediately respond in kind unless they listen to this podcast too.

With us, I appreciate that Kenny’s style leads us to opportunities I never would’ve found because I’d never go that far down into the rabbit hole. And I also appreciate that my style eases the overall process of planning, because not every decision is open for indefinite angst.
TIP #2: Play to your strengths

Now that you know why BOTH of your decision styles are beneficial - capitalize on that. You can agree on who’s handling which decision. You can also chunk up decisions!

When I worked as a Project Manager for a couple years at Kaiser Permanente in their Educational Theatre Department - which I bet you didn’t know existed - they used a system called Belbin Team Roles. I’ll link it in the show notes, I found it to be an incredibly helpful system for understanding how you best work, especially within a team, and in relation to a bunch of other people who have their own tendencies.

And that system made it easy to chunk up projects, like “This is the part where “Plants” get to brainstorm and not hold back on exploring options. That means the Completer-Finishers like me don’t pressure them to hand in their final answers.

You can do the same thing for decisions.

Kenny’s happiest place is down a rabbit hole finding the best of the best restaurants for risotto vs sandwich spots vs hole-in-the-wall whatevers. And my happiest place is obviously making a color-coded itinerary that maximizes joy and efficiency based on train schedules and what time sunset is…etc. So we stayed in our lanes.

TIP #3: Name your core values for the decision

If you know me, you know I love me some core values. They’re such a useful decision filter because it just makes everything easier when you decide in advance what matters most?

And it can be immensely helpful to reduce friction if you name a core value or two for a big decision that you’re making together.
I’ve had clients joint-deciding things like “What are we doing for Holidays” and “Let’s green light the ADU in the backyard” and it’s so helpful, before you get into the weeds of those multi-step decisions, to know who’s valuing what.
And you can make ‘em up, don’t overcomplicate this. If you’re building and ADU, your core values can be “Details” or “Quality” or “Frugality” or “Comfort” or “Ease”!

For planning this trip, our values were Celebration, Spaciousness & Food.

TIP #4: Set parameters (at ANY point)

And this might be the most important one. Because like any “tips” or tools I offer, these are all nice ideas in theory, and they’re usually harder in practice.
And I don’t wanna lie to you and say “We had a completely friction-free experience planning this trip and our lives are perfect and everything’s made of daisies!”

We would find ourselves in lil’ moments of friction, like I’d find out I didn’t wanna be in a rabbit hole on something anymore, or he’d feel rushed to decide stuff.

So it’s important to remember the goal is never to be perfect, the end. But it is 1000% possible to minimize those friction moments, and set yourselves up to move through them so much more easily.

So if you can - set parameters in advance.

Talk about your decision strengths out loud.

Play to your strengths and chunk decisions up.

Use core values as guides & filters.

An example of this would be we’d agree “Ok, you’re going down all the food and hotel rabbit holes - and also let’s make sure this thing gets booked today.”
But it’s never too late to set / reset / adjust parameters. Let this be an ongoing thing you do together. If you realize you’re frustrated because your partner’s down a rabbit hole and you wanted the decision made yesterday, that’s fine. Use that awareness to agree on a parameter NOW. If you’re in the middle of a month-long decision about your house or plans for the kids’ summer or how to deal with someone’s parents or what boots to buy…doesn’t matter!...You can set your core values for that decision now. Not too late. It’ll be helpful, I promise.

So there are your 4 tips, I really hope you find them valuable:

Decide what to appreciate
Play to your strengths
Name your core values for the decision
Set parameters (at ANY point)

And I would love to hear from you on this! How do you and your partner differ in your decision styles? What resonated from today’s episode that you’re gonna try? Head to kirstenparker.com/podcast and click the button at the top that says “Tell me everything!”

And since it’s the holidays I would be SO honored to receive the gift of your feedback - if you’d be so kind, go give us a rating & review on Apple Podcasts - it helps me out, in a surprisingly huge way, and I also just love hearing what you have to say!

Have an amazing week - and Happy Birthday Kenny!

OUTRO: Hey, wanna know the number one thing you need to kickstart your momentum right now? (Obviously.) I know! That's why I created the Momentum Quiz. Head to kirstenparker.com/quiz to find out your number one momentum killer and get your personalized action plan to boost your momentum and get back on track. That’s kirstenparker.com/quiz. Have fun!

#31: 4 Tips for Making Friction-Free Joint Decisions (Happy Birthday Kenny!)

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